I have been feeling anxious & overwhelmed lately and altogether just plain weighed down. There is a pile of to do list weighing in over my head that never seem to be dealt with and that pile just keeps adding up. Don’t get me wrong, things are good in life..Hudson brings so much joy to our lives, farming is good, Harvest is around the corner…but life just seems to be a little too much for me these days. Lately I spend a good part of my days with my head in the clouds, thinking of what I should be doing, what needs to be done, housework & chores, people I should see, people that I want to see less of..the list goes on and on. I laid in bed last night, after another day had come and gone and I told my husband that all I wanted was to wake up this morning with a brand new start. No to do list, no weights anchoring me to yesterday..nothing..a clean slate on life. Of course we all know that isn’t possible but, for that brief minute we discussed it..my heart felt lighter. I felt hopeful. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, thinking to myself “its a new day..make it a good one”. I got up with the sunrise, made my bed, poured myself a cup of ambition and got to the task at hand of cleaning my home. Hopeful that a clean home will bring a clean mind. But that anxiety is still there, nestled in my chest.
The truth is, I’m not even sure what to do about it. I have one of those personalities where, if I get overwhelmed, instead of digging right in..I procrastinate. Its a horrible trait of mine. But at least I can recognize it and (hopefully) work on it.
At this point in the day, I have my 3rd load of laundry going, Hudson is down for his morning nap, I have meat out for supper, the dishwasher is going and the house is perfectly silent (my kind of heaven). Yet, here I sit..thinking, worrying, stressing…
I wish I could let yesterdays troubles and worries go. I wish I could just start the day fresh. I really, really want to. I just don’t know how.
I think my biggest issue is that I have SO much on my plate, I haven’t completed one.single.thing. More “things” keep coming, while nothing gets taken off. The garden needs to be weeded, the flower beds need to be deadheaded, the grass needs mowing, the trees need pruning, the house needs painting, the interior trim needs painting, the floors need scrubbing, the kitchen needs to be deep cleaned, the laundry is behind, did I give Hudson his cereal today? Do I talk to him enough to help develop his vocabulary? The deck needs refinishing, the chickens need a new coop, the garden needs new soil this Fall, the car needs to be cleaned and sold, the truck needs to be washed, photos need editing, the bills need to be mailed off, the books need to be sent off to the accountant, did I pay those land taxes? Adams lunch needs to be made for tomorrow, the guest room needs paint and to be cleaned before mom arrives…ugh its exhausting!! No wonder I can’t sleep!
I feel I have finally come to a point in my life where I need to start letting things go. And I need to be okay with that. I need to let possessions go that just fill my home instead of fill my heart. I need to let chores go that can be done tomorrow..or next week..or next month. I need to let past hurts go because holding onto them only hurts me more. And, most importantly, I think I need to let people go. Conflicts and drama don’t add to a good life, they only take away from it. And its high time I realize I can’t please everyone, nor should I want to. My focus should be here, on my farm..on my family. My little man will be 7 months next week, SEVEN MONTHS! How that time flew by I can’t even explain. But, instead of worrying about what others are thinking or saying or even doing..I need to stop looking outside and just focus on whats right here in front of me. Because what Adam and I have going here, is pretty dang awesome 😉
So here’s to cleaning out the junk in my home and in my life. Cleaning out my mind and making way for only the good that is about to come our way. Life is good and it needs to be embraced TODAY!
Nikala - Hugs! Wish I could come help weed! If you don’t know what to do next, just weed a couple rows! That way you can look back and see the clean, fresh dirt and look at your dirt stained hands and nails and be reminded that you indeed did accomplish something that day! Here’s to happy, clear days!
Dawn Cosgrove - Thank you, Nikala! That is so very sweet of you 😉
Tsila - Nice to read someone writing sincerely