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Its been a week and a half since my dad passed away and things are finally starting to sink in. The house is getting quieter, the visits are fewer and the deliveries of food and flowers have stopped {thank goodness! my moms house couldn’t hold any more!}

I knew it would take some time for the reality of all of this to actually hit me..and I know its coming..right now its just the anticipation of it. Most days I still think he’s just at the hospital still or maybe he’s at work..and then it hits me, no..he’s gone. He’s never calling to check in on us again..he’s never coming home…

The truth is..I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it and I’m at a complete loss. I’ve lost grandparents before..but losing a parent is so much more. I can’t explain it. And losing a parent that you were so close with? It hurts…badly.

I had dinner with my good friend tonight who has also gone thru the pain of losing her father in the last few years. She gets it. And it was with her that I was able to truly open up with some of my thoughts and I loved that she knew exactly what I was saying. My reality is I’m a very visual person so I describe my process like this…

Dealing with this pain is like being in control of a faucet. If I let myself go there, to the part of my brain that thinks about my dad and how much I miss him and all of that..it just hurts too much. So I close it off. I don’t allow myself to go there, I don’t allow myself to think about it. I shut it off. Every now and then I open the faucet a little bit and I give myself a brief moment to think about everything and shed a few tears but then it just hurts too much and I shut it off again. I tell myself I can’t deal with it yet and I change my focus. Is it healthy? mm, not so much..but its all I know how to do. I can’t deal with it yet, it just hurts too much. I just have to take it one day at a time

In a couple of days I’ll be saying goodbye to my mom and going back to the farm to get back in to a normal routine. And when I think about leaving? I get anxious. Will my mom be okay? Will I be okay? If I leave does that mean I’m moving on and leaving my dad behind? So many thoughts!! I’m looking forward to being home again and settling in. I haven’t really been home since November so it’ll be nice to get there, settle in, do some Spring cleaning and reorganizing and start fresh..but I’m nervous. Part of me just wants to stop time and be here, in this moment and not let go. I’m scared to move on without my dad but I just have to keep reminding myself that he’s here…

and he always will be..

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  • Mary Palumbo Collings - I’m so sorry to hear that your Dad passed away… It is difficult, but the pain will ease. I know, i’ve been there. Think of him, cry, do what you need to do. It’s natural that you will mourn. Cherish the memories… You will laugh you will cry … it’s ok. He wants you to be happy….ReplyCancel

    • Dawn Cosgrove - Awe, thank you so much Mary!! I’m so sorry you lost a parent as well..it’s so hard to understand til you go through it, so I appreciate it! I’m learning each day to deal with the waves as they come. Some days are easier than others but you’re right..they do want us to be happy..
      Take care, friend!ReplyCancel

  • Lynette - Dawn, my heart goes out to you and your family. It has been a year since my dad passed away within 6 weeks of him being diagnosed with lung cancer. Sending loads of love.ReplyCancel

  • Linda - Lovely post Dawn, having been thru exactly what you are going thru (I was a dads girl) I know where you are coming from. It is a period of readjustment and your dad would want you to go on and do what you usually do, it doesn’t mean that you have forgotten him, he will always be there with you wherever you are.
    ReplyCancel

  • dawn - Dawn, I just love what the above commenters said and agree with them. Glad you have a friend there that can help you, so thankful for that. I know Adam will be there too, he’s so great and loves you and will help too.

    I am the same way with my emotions, only letting little bits out and then turning it off and going on with my day.

    Thanks for sharing this with and letting us help you and be there to help. Looking forward to seeing more spring stories on here soon I hope. Gotta tell that snow to go away and let the sunshine come and stay.
    Hugs and love for you and family!ReplyCancel

Hi friends,

There are so many words, so many thoughts and so many memories I would like to sit down and write about – but its only going to come with time. For now, I just wanted to pop in to this sad, abandoned blog and let you all know that on last Sunday – February 3, 2013 – my sweet Daddio passed away. I haven’t wrapped my head around it all and it definitely hasn’t sunk in and hit me..but he is in peace now, in heaven, watching over us.

He went fast – it was a blessing to no longer suffer – but for those left behind, it left us heartbroken. We are doing alright, we are a close family and we will get through it..its just going to take time. My mom and dad have been married for 34 years and my dad was just 55 years old..its a hard pill to swallow. There is now a huge hole in our hearts and in our family & It will never be fixed, it will never go away…

I’d like to thank all of you for your thoughts, comments and emails these past few months. Your support has been so very appreciated. I will be back soon once I can process things a little bit better, I have an urge to write everything down lately and I’m hoping my blog will benefit from it here in the next few weeks. I am looking forward to some sort of normalcy again..I know it will come, it’s just going to take time..

My Daddio and I a long time ago..

My Daddio and I this past Christmas..
Posted in Daddio , Personal. family
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  • Glenda J - Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. Sending my thoughts and best wishes to you and your family. Take care.ReplyCancel

    • Dawn Cosgrove - Thank you Glenda – its definitely hit us hard and is only now sinking in he’s never coming home. also, I appreciate you sticking around here when it’s been so quiet..I’ll resume blogging soon and hope to get some sort of normalcy again soon. Take care!ReplyCancel

  • dawn - Dawn, I’m so sorry again for this loss. Take the time you need, we will be here waiting for you. Even in these words there is positive and strength in them, you and your mom will get thru this together and in your own time. Sending daily prayers and hugs for all of you. Keep writing Dawn, it will help you now and again later when needed.
    Love,
    DawnReplyCancel

  • Melissa - So sad to hear this news. Take care of yourself and your family now, your friends and readers will be here when you’re ready to come back.

    MelissaReplyCancel

  • Lynette - Oh my friend. How terribly sad. Sending lots of prayers and a truck load of love your way.ReplyCancel

Hi Friends!

Sorry its been so quiet around here, inspiration has been minimal lately and I have been spending the majority of my time in the city with my family. My poor Daddio, is still in the hospital and they are starting his second treatment on Monday {please please pray things start working for him!}. He is doing alright and I have to say this has been one of the hardest/most surreal times for our family. My mother inspires me every day, I have no idea how she summons up the courage and the stamina to get thru each day, but she does, and will continue to do so…my parents are true super heroes!!

With that being said, I’m taking a little break from reality.
Our bags are packed and our flight leaves in just 3 hours….stay tuned!!

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I can’t believe it. I have currently begun week 3 of Project Life…and I’ve stuck with it! Its a miracle, y’all! If you’ve stuck with me since last years meager attempt, you’ll know that I posted oh..1, maybe 2 spreads of my Project Life? Sure I put more photos in to the page protectors..but its a sad, sad state of affairs my friends. Just plain, sad. So, you can imagine my surprise at how excited I was for 2013 to begin so I could start off fresh! Maybe it was my excitement for the Seafoam Edition {ordered and currently on its way to me} but whatever it was, I’m glad I decided to go for it.

Once everything happened in December with my family, I had a moment where I seriously doubted wanting to record 2013. It looked pretty dark and scary to me and I just wasn’t sure if I wanted a year like that to be documented. But then I snapped out of it and I realized that, you know what? Its part of my life story. Whatever happens this year is going to happen, but I would always regret not taking the hour or 2 a week it takes to just print off my photos and record our daily happenings. So I made a deal with myself that I would give it a try. and I don’t know why, but I feel the urge to document more than ever this year. I believe my dads illness has woken me up to how precious time is and to make the most out of every day, no matter what comes our way. And, although its only 4 pages at the moment, this album already makes me happy. Its fully of memories, stories, heartbreak, joy….life! I’ve made a point to journal every thought, every emotion and I know that, years from now, this album, this year..is going to be one of my most valuable treasures.

Week 1 was kind of dark for our family. It began with hope that a new year would automatically cure all the pains of 2012 but that hope was blown away by Jan 3rd when a family meeting kicked us in the stomach, leaving us gasping for air. But we survived it. We made it thru…and we even did so with a few smiles on our faces

{click on the photos to see a larger version of each photo}

On the left hand side I documented dads first hair cut since his surgery – it had been driving him nuts and that’s all he wanted to do when he got home, was get a hair cut! I also included a photo of Adam & I when he came back thru town on his way to help his brother. The bottom photo is the first day my Daddio got to eat yogurt..man, you should’ve seen his face! He was thrilled at the taste of it

  
The 3×4 cards (above) this week are a mix of photos and random fillers. The little photo on the left is the view from dads hospital room, I shot that New Years Day when we came to bring him home for the day {so grateful for Day Passes!}, the calendar is a new must have for me in my PL album, it highlights the days I’m focusing on that week and just gives my pages that little added something. The bathing suit was an image from the internet. I’ve wanted one of these vintage style suits for such a long time and this one finally came on sale! And the weather shot – I’ve seen this done in many albums and wanted it as well for mine. So far its already pretty interesting to look back and see how much the weather differs week to week!
Look at my Daddio eating his yogurt, makes me smile
 
The right hand side of the page…full of emotions, good and bad! The top portion of the page speaks volumes to me. The left hand photo was taken the night of Jan 3rd, after our family meeting with the doctors. I was devastated. I was crying. I felt utterly hopeless. Then, we started Friday as a brand new day. Dad came home for the day and my best friend brought my beautiful nieces over to visit and cheer us up. I love this photo of my niece Makiya & I, she made me feel happy again and I reveled in every moment of it!
 
The 3×4 card for this side’s spread are full of hope and beautiful things that happened. On the left was my dads beautiful piece of artwork that my friends 1 yr old daughter finger painted for him. Isn’t it gorgeous? I took a photo of the artwork and put it in a 4×6 slot below as well because I really wanted to remember this thoughtful gift. The Week in Review card is also a new must have for my weekly spreads. I created it in Photoshop using Studio Calico brushes and just jotted down the most important things I wanted to remember from this week. The next 2 cards are quotes that hold a lot meaning for me. The colorful one was from Pinterest and the blk/white one is Elise Blaha Cripes. I love them both so much!

and finally, I added a small 5×7 insert for this week. My beautiful niece, when she came for a visit on Friday, brought this coloring for my dad to cheer him up. She has been working so hard on staying within the lines and I am pretty sure this is her best work yet! She gave it to my dad with a huge beam on her face, letting him know she made she to make it look like a rainbow, just for him. The original is hanging in his hospital room so I scanned the page in to my computer and made sure it went in to my album. I knew this was yet another piece of art I didn’t want to forget!

and that, my friends, is week 1 of Project Life 2013! I have Week 2 already photographed and in the album, I plan to upload that post in a few days. Tomorrow I am off to the city, I have finally kicked this cold enough that I can rejoin my family and be with my mom and dad. Hope that wherever you are, you are enjoying a beautiful week!

Posted in Life , Personal. family , Project Life 2013
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  • dawn - Dawn, this has made my day!!! I’m soooo excited to see your pages, how awesome you did. I love the way you captured the week, even though a bad week but now you have the memories and your feelings written down here and that’ going to help you get thru this hard time. I LOVE LOVE that your nieces are in here and little happy things for your dad. The quotes totally make this page more heartfelt and REAL too!! You did an awesome job getting it all in here my friend, keep up the good work, I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!

    Oh and the image of the bathing suit, perfect too with the winter weather outside your thinking ahead, that’s great. WOW WOW WOW you guys are cold up there, man not sure I could take those cold temps. We have only had a few nights of 19 degrees, brrrrr

    Have safe travels back to your dad and enjoy this time with him. HUGS AND PRAYERS AND SMILES TODAY!!

    DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE THESE PAGES!!! GO PROJECT LIFE 2013!!ReplyCancel

  • Glenda J - Thanks for sharing your life. Sounds like it’s been a tough road. Kudos to you for doing PL… what you’ve done so far looks amazing. Keep up the great work.ReplyCancel

April 10, 2012 I picked up fifteen day old chicks from the hatchery and brought them home to the farm to begin my new adventure in chicken keeping. I had been talking about it for almost a year..I really, really wanted chickens. But I only wanted 4. To me, four seemed like the perfect number (I like even numbers)..it would be a small, personal flock that I could easily care for and learn from. Then, we got to the hatchery and they had 15 fuzzy, cute as a button baby chicks that made my heart melt the minute I laid eyes on them. I was in love. In fact, we have a video of that day when we drove away from the hatchery, my box of 15 chicks, chirping at my feet and we had pulled over so that I could finally pick one up. I picked it up and we were bonded in an instant. I was in love with them.

Then, one passed away. I was heartbroken. It was my first loss and I took it pretty hard. I tried my best to give them the best that I could and I blamed myself. Even though I heard from everyone that you usually lose 50%, I still cried.

But then, time went on, my babies grew and I knew I had done it. I raised 14 chickens out of infancy and in to their prime. I was officially a chicken farmer! Of my flock of 14, 5 were roosters. I knew it was coming but I kept denying it until one day when I went to the coop and I found one of my barred rock roosters bleeding. My roosters started to fight. I didn’t know what to do..I couldn’t bare to butcher them, they were my pets after all. So I left it..just for a little while.

Fast forward 2 weeks and, while at home with my parents, Adam called me from the farm to tell me I had lost said rooster the night before. It had fallen over where it slept and he had taken care of it for me. Problem solved. Then we were down to 13. The next day I came home and rushed to my coop to see my babies. I always miss them when I go out of town! What happened next was unexpected but my favorite rooster, Roo, attacked me and wouldn’t stop. He kept charging me no matter what I did and pecking at my knees, drawing blood. I couldn’t have roosters behaving badly, especially with children coming around so I asked my farmer to get rid of Roo and his sidekick, the remaining barred rock rooster. And that left me with 11.

I liked my flock of 11, they were calmer, quieter and easy to keep. They made me laugh with their silly antics and I loved how every day when I came out for afternoon treats, Dharma would pace back and forth, so excited to get fed again. Their clucks would let me know they were enjoying their treats and I enjoyed sitting there, watching them for sometimes hours.

Last Tuesday, when I came home to cure this lovely cold of mine, my MIL told me Dharma wasn’t doing well. She was laying flat on the ground and wouldn’t eat. I was shocked and worried, she had become my little baby. Her beak had crossed when she was just 2 months old and I had taken pity on her right then and there. I always made sure she got extra feed and loved picking her up and holding her as she never fussed when I did so. Her antics while eating were hilarious and I loved how she paced in the pen whenever she saw me..it made me smile every.single.day.

When we got to the coop this morning, I spent my time shoveling out the snow from the pen so that my babies could get some fresh air before I opened up the coop to give them their morning feed. Adam came in with me and immediately my heart sank. There was my little girl, collapsed on her bed of straw, right where she fell asleep. The animal lover that I am, I asked Adam to deal with it because I couldn’t and I walked away and cried. It wasn’t near as hard as my first loss {unfortunately you do get used to it} but it still hurts none-the-less. I worried that I hadn’t done enough these last few days. Maybe I should have separated her? Brought her in to the shop to keep an eye on her? I won’t ever know..

What I do know is that my coop is now just a little bit bigger and a little bit quieter..
When I went back in to feed my remaining flock a little while later, I couldn’t help but notice her absence. There was no “Dharma” sounds of excitement when the feed was poured, there was no chicken scratching in the trough like she used to do…just my cozy little flock of 10, pecking away, silently.

Goodbye lil miss Dharma..I’m really going to miss you lil girl!

 Dharma at 1 month old, right when we discovered her cross beak

Posted in chickens , farm life
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  • dawn - aaawww Dawn, this is so sweet and sad, got me teary eyed. I have always loved your posts about your babies and have seen them grow up on your blog. What a great mama you’ve been to all of them, always loving them and worrying about them and taking good care of them.

    So sorry for your loss of this sweet lady, I know you loved her so much and she knew it too. Hard to believe it will be one year soon, that’s when we met too. It was thru WITL with Ali, wow time really does fly.

    HUGS!!ReplyCancel

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