My dad is sick. I don’t know whats going to happen or how each day is going to unfold, every morning is a guess. We wait until the phone rings and dad calls to tell us about his night and how he is feeling. When he had a good night and feels good, our day is lighter and more hopeful. When he calls and has been throwing up or is tired, fear looms over us, wondering what it means. Every day people ask me how I’m doing and I am not sure how I’m supposed to answer that. I have no means to complain, I’m healthy and have the world at my feet. Compared to my dad, I’m doing good. But the truth is, my heart hurts. Every day I feel as though I’m living a nightmare and that I would give anything to just wake up from it and have everything be as it should. My world is upside down right now and I don’t know how to make it right. I want my dad home. I want my dad healthy. And I don’t know how to do it. My days are filled with worry, regret, hope, confusion, sadness, wonder…its a constant ferris wheel for me and I just wish I could get off. How can all of this be happening? Why can’t his body just start working again like it did before surgery so he can get out of the hospital and get healthy again?
Tonight, while at dinner with my inlaws, I was looking at photos I took last winter/spring and I could feel happiness and hope and excitement come thru my photos. I was newly married, settling in to life on the farm, and life felt so good. Every photo was pure happiness. Now, fast forward one year and every day is a struggle. My heart breaks when I think about my mom and dad and their daily struggle of trying to find a way to cure my dad and get back to a normal life. Each day is the same, wake up, wait for his phone call, get ready, go to the hospital and wait..
What are we waiting for? Someone to tell us what to do. What we should expect next. Waiting for someone to give us hope. Its a dark time for our family, thats a cold hard fact. But the other fact is, we are a strong family. We will persevere. I won’t give up. If dads bowels think they have dad beat they can guess again because I am his daughter and I need him. My future children need him and I won’t give up. Ever.
When it comes to Project Life this year, I’m curious to see how 2013 develops. So far, its week 2 and I can already see how my album is reflecting the ups and downs of our current state of affairs. Every day is different. Every day is a gift. Tonight, while eating dinner, my inlaws were talking about the farmhouse and what Adam and I were going to do to it once we could finally move in. And thats when it hit me. My life is going to go on. No matter what happens tomorrow, my life is still happening..with or without my effort. I have so much ahead of me and so much to do. It almost shocked me. No matter what happens here….its part of my story. Its something I will look back on as an older lady and say…”I got through it”. And it scared me but relieved me at the same time. I can do this. We, as a family, can do this. My dad can do this. We just have to be willing to fight.
This week hasn’t been extremely memorable. But its still one I want to document. So, with that, here are a few of the things I’d like to remember about week 2 of 2013:
-I want to remember getting a sore throat and a head cold on Monday that kept me from visiting my dad and forcing me to take a break and come back to the farm on Tuesday. I was heartbroken that my body had given up on me when I needed it but I know that mentally, I needed this
-I want to remember coming home with Adam and Jake on Tuesday and finding drywall dust cover every single belonging we owned. It was shocking and maddening, but it immediately gave me something to do to keep my mind busy..and I’ve been cleaning ever since
-I want to remember not sleeping barely a wink all week. The drywall mudders worked til 2 am this week and I just laid in bed, waiting for sleep to hit me
-I want to remember coming home tuesday and having my MIL tell me my little girl, Dharma (the cross beaked hen) wasn’t acting well. And, upong inspecting her myself, I was worried we had yet another chicken that needed to be put down. But, thankfully with some love and extra food, she has seemed to pull through
-I want to remember the blizzard warning we were under Wednesday and Thursday that finally yesterday. It left us with 8 ft snowbanks and lots, and lots of snow
-I want to remember my inlaws inviting us for dinner last night (Saturday) and we had king crab legs that were delicious. I enjoyed myself and the 3 glasses of wine I downed tremendously…I needed it.
-I want to remember getting busy with my life on the farm and allowing myself the spare moments to be excited about something in life. Future plans, trips, etc. Being away from the city and the hospital has given me the opportunity to cleanse my mind and find some peace again
-I want to remember calling my dad every couple of days to check on him and the sound of his voice just makes my day. No matter what hes going through, he is always so positive. I wish the best for him and I hope that we get things figured out quickly…because, he just deserves the world
-I want to remember slowly taking down my Christmas trees this week. I want them gone because Christmas was so hard this year but I’m nostaligic at the same time because Christmas has always been so special to me
-I want to remember researching and researching and researching things to help out my dad this week..I have learned more health terms than I ever cared to know before. Postoperative Ileus? Bowel Obstruction? I’ve learned all about them..
So yeah…not exactly a wonderful week to document..but a week none-the-less. Like I said, this is my life, its part of my story..and it deserves to be documented forever. I am hoping for better results/news next week and am hoping to get over this head cold soon so that I can rejoin my family in the city and work to get my Daddio healthy again. Pray for him my friends…every little bit helps!
Heres to a better week filled with lots of love and happiness…
I did a few of these posts last year and really enjoyed them, especially when it came to looking back over my year and seeing how things changed {or didn’t!} I am hoping to get at least one of these posts in every month or maybe even a few! We’ll see…how about you?
Photo taken yesterday when Adam surprised me for breakfast before heading out again
Drinking: coffee! I used to hate the stuff growing up but now I’ve grown to actually enjoy it in the mornings. I find it to be a quiet, calm way to start my mornings before all the hustle/bustle begins! Also drinking more water every day. I was never much of a soda drinker til I met Adam and then I was getting to drink 2-3/day in 2012 and that just isn’t healthy for anyone! So, while my diet coke will still be stocked in the fridge..water will be my drink of choice in 2013!
Eating: a lot of soups lately. With mom and I being at the hospital 8-10 hours every day, we haven’t being cooking much and are enjoying some hot soups at the hospital or those that are homemade by family
Listening: actually, I’m enjoying the quiet this morning. The sounds of the hospital can get to you pretty fast! And being a girl from the country..I like my quiet moments 😉
Wearing: super soft PJ pants from Jacob and a favorite plain white old tee
Reading: I haven’t read in awhile and I’d like to start again. Am thinking of re-reading Pride & Prejudice again to start me off..any one else read some good books lately?
Feeling: Stressed, anxious, nervous and hopeful. Its a ball of emotions up in here lemme tell y’all!
Weather: Gorgeous! For January at least. There is snow on the ground but its just below freezing and we actually have birds chirping outside our window…its a rare sight to behold!
Wanting: to clear the clutter, to keep up with Project Life and to get my dad home and healthy again
Needing: my dad to get better
Wishing: our current situation wasn’t really our current situation
Thinking: about ways to incorporate my one little word: BRAVE in to my every day life
Enjoying: sleeping in most mornings and not hearing construction below me
Loving: the start of a fresh, new year
list of currents inspired by Amy
Its a New Year my friends…and its full of magnificent possibilities!
First off, I wanted to thank you all so much for your sweet comments and support on my last post about our family. Your outpouring has been so appreciated!! It felt so good to talk about it openly and get it out of my mind and on to “paper”. I feel it was very much needed. And now that its a new year, we are looking forward to a fresh start with many good things to come!!
I am still in the city with my family, Adam went home to the farm on Sunday to get caught up on work that needed tending too but will be stopping in periodically to visit and for support. I am keeping my eyes, fingers, legs and toes crossed that we receive some uplifting, positive news from the hospital soon and dad can come home to begin his process of regenerating his health and getting on with the fight that is awaiting him. Please keep him in your thoughts!!
Also, with the new year, I have started off my 2013 Project Life with a bang! I do not have any materials with me whatsoever except for my IPhone and my camera and am taking photos and jotting down notes. I am determined to record this year properly and not let myself get too far behind (2012 was kind of a disaster as far as PL goes!) but, I plan to have my photos printed weekly and I will share them with you as I go until I can get home and place them in their proper page protectors. I am going with a Monday-Sunday week this year and am hoping to order/print photos on Sundays and slip them all their proper places. For 2013, I am going with a beautiful yellow 12×12 album from We R Memory Keepers (it should be waiting for me at the post office!) and I am also going with a completely different design process {I’ve been admiring PL albums such as this one and would like to try a more similar design process for myself this year} I am so excited for whats ahead this year, I know its going to be full of health & happiness!!
So with that, welcome to the new year and thank you for sticking around in 2012! I hope you are enjoying a beautiful winter, a beautiful January and a beautiful start to a new year, wherever you are!
Hi my friends!
Thank you so much for sticking with me thru the month of December! I know I wasn’t posting near as much as usual nor was I posting anything festive likeI thought I would {December Favorites album?!} it’s been an off-month to say the least! I had mentioned earlier that I was going to sit down to give an update on my dads health after his surgery on December 3rd but it’s been crazy busy with the holidays and 8 hour days at the hospital. Truth is, I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I’m not sure I am even now..but, I’m going to try…
On December 3rd at 7:45 am my Daddio was scheduled to go in for a major exploratory surgery to find any/all cancer tumors and remove them. You may remember from this post that dad was diagnosed with colon cancer 4 years ago, had chemo, radiation and eventually, a surgery that left him cancer free and with an ostomy bag. He went to all his check ups and tests and passed them all with flying colors! Then, in September of this year his gall bladder caused him so much pain they had to remove it. While in the OR, the surgeon spotted some suspicious cells, did a biopsy and it came back positive. My dads colon cancer had come out of remission. We did all the tests they requested and they all came back reassuringly positive that there wasn’t much for cancer and that they’d be in, clean them out and he’d be good to go after a recovery of 2-3 weeks.
December 3rd at 9:30am my mom texted us to let us know that dad finally had been taken in to the ER and she was headed downstairs to begin the long, agonizing wait. What happened next made my heart stop, freeze in time and beg for mercy. At 11:00 am the phone rang. It was my aunty who was with my mom. They opened my dad and closed him right back up. There was nothing they could do. The cancer is a big mess that has spread like salt and pepper throughout his intestines and in to his liver. My dad went from cancer free to stage IV colon cancer in the blink of an eye. I couldn’t believe my ears. I hung up the phone and lost myself in a blurry mess of tears and heaving. And the truth is, it hasn’t quite stopped.
When my dad woke up they had to give him the news that there was nothing they could do for him. And, like the trooper he is, his response was, “well, we have a fight on our hands. Lets do it” and he hasn’t lost hope yet! Adam and I arrived in Calgary the following day and it was so good to see him, smiling and happy to be alive. We talked and laughed and made the commitment that I hope any of you would if you we’re in our position, to never give up.
  What has followed has been 3 weeks of day long hospital visits, walks around the hospital floor,tears, laughter and facing our fears in the quietness of the night. My dad healed from his surgery but had yet to pass anything from his stomach to his ostomy bag so was put on a liquid IV diet with a strict No Drink/No Food policy. After a few days (almost a week before Christmas) they transferred my dad to our home town hospital where he remains to this day. He has yet to have any movements and therefore hasn’t eaten anything in weeks. But, at the very least, he’s in our hometown!
The truth is, I don’t know what will happen in 6 months, 1 year, tomorrow or even 1 hour from now. Everything is constantly in the air and we just sit…and wait for something positive. The truth is I can see how many people facing this diagnosis can grow fearful and give up. The hospital is a dreary place to spend your days and many doctors give you no hope, just doom and gloom. Can you imagine a doctor saying, “well, you just never know when its your time”…I mean, really? Thankfully, we are stronger than that. We hear those things and toss them back out to the universe because we will not let that get us down. We can’t. We are strong. My dad is strong. And we have a lot of people behind us, supporting us along the way. I need my dad, he is far too young (55) and he deserves to live out a full life and witness his grandkids being born and grow. He deserves it and I won’t stop til he gets it!
So this has been our ending to 2012. As you can tell, this is why Christmas was so hard for our family and why we can’t wait for this year to be over! I’m so ready for 2013, its not even funny. I don’t know what the new year will bring us but I’m going to face it with a fresh start and a peaceful mind..
and with that, I’d like to introduce my 2013 One Little Word: Brave. I decided to take Ali Edwards class OLW this year because my word holds so much meaning to me, especially in this time of my life.
brave
/brav/
adjective: Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage
verb: endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear
In 2013 my word is “brave”. I’m going to be brave for my family, for whatever faces us. I’m going to be brave when faced with situations that normally would make me fearful. I’m going to brave the adverse conditions, no matter what
I’m going to be brave and step out of my comfort zones..challenge myself to not be afraid, take the leap when I normally wouldn’t. Scared of trying something new? Not this year..I’m going to be brave
I’m also going to be brave and force myself to really start my photography business. To bravely put my work on display and advertise that I’m available to work. Its going to be completely uncomfortable for me..but I’m going to put my word to good use and I’m just going to be brave..no matter what. Have you ever taken this class or created a word for your new year? If so, what was it/is it? I have decided to add the 8.5×11 monthly inserts to my PL album, put everything together for one year. How are you doing yours?
No matter where you are…I would like to wish you a very Happy New Year and all the best in 2013. See you next year friends!!
Hi Friends!
I’m back for a second look at my favorite photos/moment of 2012!! It has been so fun going thru the many folders on my computer of photos I took this year and remembering all the great moments we have had. Its further proof to me that I definitely want to continue with Project Life in 2013 and I want to approach it in a different manner, a way that forces me to complete each week and not get so far behind. To continue taking more and more photos {they really are so worth it!} and to document and record our thoughts and memories. I hope you enjoy this little walk down 2012 memory lane…
In January, we had a massive bonfire to burn old wood etc that was laying around the farm
Okay, I know I mentioned Hawaii in Part I but I just couldn’t resist adding another photo..
In March, we brought Jakey to the farm and after a few hairy encounters..Simon accepted him and my heart was finally all together again!

In April, mom & dad came to visit us for a weekend
Most April mornings were spent in the sunshine, planning my future garden and researching chickens!
and of course 2012 was full of my babies..the chickens!
2012 will forever be the year I forced myself to learn how to cook. And cook I did!!
This Summer we were able to spend a few nights at the family cabin, including time spent there with my own family..and it was pure bliss!
During one of our visits to the lake, we brought Jakey in a canoe with us..best canoe moment ever!
and y’all know I can’t talk enough about my garden.. *sigh*
this summer, we made it to the Calgary Stampede and were lucky to see Garth Brooks in concert!
In August, mom and I learned how to make apple pies!!
In September, while up North fishing, I got to enoy this view nightly
I got to co-pilot the plane that took us from our fishing spot to our truck!
When we got home from fishing…the boys installed a new tin roof on our farmhouse {looks so much better!!!}
In 2012 we made some major progress on the dome!!
In October, I helped make my very first turkey for Thanksgiving!
Autumn in the country
Also in October, I surprised Adam with a trip to Disneyland for his 30th Birthday!
For Halloween, we carved some beautiful pumpkins {including ones from my own garden!}
a huge hilight of 2012? In November, I got to meet and hang out with Kelly Purkey!
In December, my mother in law taught me how to make their secret family recipe for fudge!
Christmas Day with my family..so grateful
I have about a million other photos from this year that I could add to these posts, but I know neither of us have time for that 😉 These just hilight a few special moments that hold so much meaning to me and I’m so glad I could share them with you all. If you missed Part 1, please stop by here. I have high hopes for 2013..I think its going to be challenging on many levels and I don’t know how I’ll fare against them, but I’m going to do it anyways! Thank you all for stopping by today..I have 1 more post scheduled for 2012 and then, its off to start the new year!! See you back here soon!
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Mary Palumbo Collings - I’m so sorry for this difficult time in your life… I hope that you get some answers about your dad’s health and that he can recover…Take Care…
Dawn Cosgrove - Thank you so much Mary! Yes, we are hoping for answers soon and hoping dad can recover and get back to living a full life like he deserves!! Happy Sunday, hope you are enjoying it
dawn - You always write with such love and tenderness when it’s about your family. Even when it’s good news/good days it’s so filled with love. You’ve left me crying again, my heart is hurting for you and your family. I’ve been praying so hard and so much for your dad to get well soon and to keep fighting and staying strong. He is such a good man and I want him to live a long time to watch you keep growing and learning and being the awesome daughter you are.
I’m glad you wrote about the future, many things waiting for you my friend. We are all here cheering your dad on and giving you strength to get thru this hard time!!
HUGS!!