Dealing with the hurt…

Its been a week and a half since my dad passed away and things are finally starting to sink in. The house is getting quieter, the visits are fewer and the deliveries of food and flowers have stopped {thank goodness! my moms house couldn’t hold any more!}

I knew it would take some time for the reality of all of this to actually hit me..and I know its coming..right now its just the anticipation of it. Most days I still think he’s just at the hospital still or maybe he’s at work..and then it hits me, no..he’s gone. He’s never calling to check in on us again..he’s never coming home…

The truth is..I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it and I’m at a complete loss. I’ve lost grandparents before..but losing a parent is so much more. I can’t explain it. And losing a parent that you were so close with? It hurts…badly.

I had dinner with my good friend tonight who has also gone thru the pain of losing her father in the last few years. She gets it. And it was with her that I was able to truly open up with some of my thoughts and I loved that she knew exactly what I was saying. My reality is I’m a very visual person so I describe my process like this…

Dealing with this pain is like being in control of a faucet. If I let myself go there, to the part of my brain that thinks about my dad and how much I miss him and all of that..it just hurts too much. So I close it off. I don’t allow myself to go there, I don’t allow myself to think about it. I shut it off. Every now and then I open the faucet a little bit and I give myself a brief moment to think about everything and shed a few tears but then it just hurts too much and I shut it off again. I tell myself I can’t deal with it yet and I change my focus. Is it healthy? mm, not so much..but its all I know how to do. I can’t deal with it yet, it just hurts too much. I just have to take it one day at a time

In a couple of days I’ll be saying goodbye to my mom and going back to the farm to get back in to a normal routine. And when I think about leaving? I get anxious. Will my mom be okay? Will I be okay? If I leave does that mean I’m moving on and leaving my dad behind? So many thoughts!! I’m looking forward to being home again and settling in. I haven’t really been home since November so it’ll be nice to get there, settle in, do some Spring cleaning and reorganizing and start fresh..but I’m nervous. Part of me just wants to stop time and be here, in this moment and not let go. I’m scared to move on without my dad but I just have to keep reminding myself that he’s here…

and he always will be..