The smell of lilacs waft by my nose..the scent automatically transports me back to the Spring of 1997, a woman I admired who loved lilacs, laid in her hospital room with her granddaughter..
She was frail but fighting. She would smile and deflect questions about herself by asking how “life” was going for me. She couldn’t speak due to the tubing in her throat so she pointed to the alphabet page to spell out her words. It was a time to bond. If only I realized then that those few hours I spent with her would be the most important I ever did. Why didn’t I ask her about her life? Why didn’t I ask what her childhood was like? Or if she had a wedding photo from the day she married my grandpa? Why? Why couldn’t I have just been older and wiser on that final day I spent with my grandma?? These are questions I ask myself often..
15 years ago today, my paternal grandma passed away after a long, hard battle with her own body. She was my first death, my first heartbreak. I was 13..
I don’t know who she really was, I don’t know what her daily thoughts were but I do know this:
A) she was an amazing woman
B) she was a wonderful wife and mother
C) she was a farm girl growing up
D) she lived for her family
E) she loved the lake
F) she loved lilacs and peonies
G) she used to dance the swing; and
H) she had polio in her early twenties and hater having her photo taken (thus making my record keeping of her very hard to do!)
My grandma was always there growing up and I wish every day that she was still here to learn from. My memories of her have faded but I can still remember her laugh, the way she held her head up while leaning against the kitchen table with a cigarette hanging from her lips and the hugs she used to give every time we said goodbye. She lived in a different time and I admired her so much! Life is hard and unfair but if there is one thing her loss has taught me is that family is everything and always will be to me. It is hard without her here but I know she’s watching over all of us, every day.
And grandma, if you’re listening, I really miss you…
dawn - Hi Dawn, I’ve missed reading your blog this past week. What a crazy week for me with my sudden health problems. I’m doing much better now and happy to see your blog again. Thanks so much for your nice comment and prayers for me when I needed them. I’m so lucky to have so many friends rooting for me.
I love the way you wrote this post about your grandma, how pretty she was. How special that she had flowers on her special day also. I’m sorry you had to lose her while your so young. Sounds like was amazing and fun and left behind happy memories for you to have. I wish there were more pictures of my grandparents also, they just didn’t like being in the camera back then. That’s why I try to take as many of me and everyone else now so that won’t happen to my family. Even on a bad hair day, just grin and bear it right!! I’m sure she’s watching over you and is proud of all you’ve done and for your farm life!! Keep her near and in your daily thoughts!!