Waiting on Baby

We’re here! We officially made it into our 9th and final month of pregnancy. Baby Bun & I did it! To tell you the truth, these past 9 months blew by like a fickle wind. I feel like I blinked after the positive pregnancy test and opened my eyes to today, where did the time go? I’m so not ready to give birth to this little man and bring him home, I thought I’d have more time to adjust..to wrap my head around it all, to be prepared!! But I guess that’s just the point now, isn’t it? You’ll never be fully prepared. Your home will never be ready for baby and time will never stand still for any one person. This is life.

My pregnancy, for the most part, has been really easy on me. I have felt amazing and giddy, baby bun keeps growing and is very healthy and we as a family couldn’t be more excited. My mom has had a crib set up in her own home for a couple of months already {I think she’s excited, no?} and my inlaws melt my heart with how excited they are as well. The other day, while visiting with my father in law and his friend, his friend (who is also a new grandpa) brought out his cell phone to show off pictures of his 6 month old grandson and then my father in law pointed at me and said “you see that right there? That little bump? That’s MY grand baby” and it made me smile the biggest smile I could ever muster. To feel that much love and contentment in my new family is more than I could ever imagine. To know that it has been my job to bring this little life into the world and that so many people are anxiously awaiting his arrival, blows my mind. How did I get to be so lucky?

In these last few weeks of pregnancy, I am trying to just take everything in and be in the moment. I’m scared of labor and delivery but I am also trying to remind myself of what I’m getting out of it. Last week we were moved to the High Risk Clinic due to a low lying placenta and our first appointment was this past Thursday. I was a nervous wreck sitting in that hospital room and the information that was given was almost too much to take in. They did an internal ultrasound and all the nerves and fears I had been feeling came to a head and I made myself sick. Not for concern over the baby but more, a fear of the unknown. I have never been in the hospital before and I hate needles, blood and the works so this is a lot for me. The reality that baby was going to be coming in 3-4 weeks and I would be in labor made me doubt my ability in going through with this ever again {I’ve since calmed down} but the truth is..I’m scared. I’m scared to be responsible for this little life. Scared that I won’t make the best decisions for him and scared that, in some way, I’m going to screw up. But I’m willing to try and I’m willing to do my best.

But it has to be mentioned…at this stage of my pregnancy. My thoughts are turning to the one person who has missed out on this entire experience. The man who raised me but will never meet his own grandchildren. My thoughts have been clouded by his absence. I miss him tremendously. My heart breaks for him and for my child that they will never know each other..never learn from each other and never have the bond that they should have. My dad was an amazing father to me and I know without a doubt he would have made the most amazing grandpa, and it hurts that my kids will miss out on that relationship. I worry that the day our son comes in to the world will be full of bittersweet emotions as I look around at the loved ones around me and feel his strong absence. Pray we get thru it without too many tears!

But that’s where we are at. Its my favorite time of year and I’m taking it all in. My baby is kicking me like crazy as I type and, before we know it, he’ll be sitting next to me, making my heart melt with each coo he makes. I’m so excited you guys..I’m having a BABY!!!